LDS Humor

I know that sometimes I come across as being rather heavy about religion. And in fact, I am. However, I do have a store of Mormon jokes, and I figure there is no reason not to share those here. If you have any contributions, feel free to send them to bommuser@bookofmormonmusings.info.  Please let me know if you wish your contribution to appear with or without attribution.

Oldies But Goodies

So this guy dies and goes to Heaven. At the Pearly Gates Saint Peter announces that it's kind of a slow day anyway, so he will personally give the new arrival a grand tour of Heaven. Our hero is ecstatic as he is shown all the sites, all the inner workings, and all the wonders of Heaven. After quite some time they are going down a long corridor, and the guy notices a closed door to one side. This is a little unusual, because all the doors in Heaven are open, so he stops and asks Peter what's behind the door. To his surprise Peter continues on down the hall as if he hadn't heard. So the guy calls after Pater and says "Peter, hang on! You have shown me everything there is to see, answered every question, and all the sudden you're evasive about this one door. What gives?" Pater shuffles his feet for a moment, obviously uncomfortable, and finally says "Well, that room is where the Mormons are, and they think they're the only ones up here."

The Pope convenes an extraordinary meeting of all the cardinals of the church at the Vatican. There is quite a buzz in the room as everyone speculates on the purpose of the meeting, but a perfect hush falls over the room when the Pope stands up to speak. He announces, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, Christ has come to personally reign on the earth!" The room erupts into pandemonium as the cardinals scream, shout, and generally rejoice. After several minutes, however, everyone starts to notice that the Pope is still standing rather subdued at the head of the table. One of the cardinals close to him asks, loud enough to be heard over the subsiding hubbub, "But Holy Father, after that great news, what can possibly be the bad news?" The Pope responds "I know because He callsed me from Salt Lake City."

Editorial Note: When I was in high school I heard this joke four times in one day. On the fourth time a firend told it, but the phone call came from some small town in the South. After a rather confused silence he said "I guess I knew it wouldn't be as funny if I substituted the headquarters of my church."

Shortly after the beginning of sacrament meeting the bishop sees the stake presidency enter at the back of the chapel. The seats on the stand are already full, so he leans over to the deacon who has been assigned to be the bishop's messenger and urgently whispers, "Get three chairs for the stake presidency!" The deacon, who may have been meditating a little about the meeting, looks a little startled and whispers, "Do what?" The bishop repeats, with a little more urgency, "Get three chairs for the stake presidency!" The deacon asks, "Right now?" The bishop, watching the stake presidency starting toward the front of the chapel, now whispers with some agitation "Yes, right now!!" The deacon pauses one more moment, then stands up and says loudly, "Ok, everyone, let's hear it for the stake presidency! Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray!"

A young Mormon girl, on her first solo trip, gets to fly in the first-class cabin of the plane. When the flight attendant comes around with the champaign the girl is too embarassed to ask what it is, so she just tries it. Not too surprisingly she finds it is very good-tasting, and asks for more. After a few repititions the flight attendant realizes that this young lady is in no shape to get off the plane, nor do much of anything else. Determined to help the youth sober up, she brings a pot of coffee and pours a cup for the young lady. The girl takes one sniff and indignantly announces: "I can't drink that, I'm a Mormon!"

Two deacons are engaged in a little game of "My Dad's Better Than Yours." The first finally says "My dad is so faithful he always goes home teaching on the first of the month." The second lad is a little morose after that, but after a moment his face brightens and he says "Well, my dad always goes out the night before that!"

True Life

In high school I took a sociology class. I don't remember what a sociology class is supposed to teach, but that's a topic for another day. My high school was located in Omaha Nebraska, where (at least at that time) Mormons were not very common. The teacher allowed rather free-wheeling discussions, and one day the discussion centered on a TV program the night before about the Amish. As the discussion progressed someone asked, "What's the difference between the Amish and the Mormon's?" I knew I was the only Mormon in class, and I was trying to compose an adequate response, when a classmate saved me by responding "The Mormons are ... well ... almost like regular people."

A sister in our ward gave a very spiritual, but somewhat lengthy, discourse as the first speaker in sacrament meeting. After she concluded a little girl about 2 1/2 years old said very loudly "Aaaa-MEN. Can we go home now?"

A family in our ward to whom we had become very close had a 2-year-old son. One Sunday he focused on the fact that my son was blessing the sacrament, and at the end of the prayer he stood up and cheered for my son.

It was High Council Sunday, but as time to start Sacrament Meeting approached our High Councillor had not yet appeared. Finally, since I was conducting, I turned to the bishop and said "I know what the theme for the month is, do you want me to adress that or would you rather speak?" He assured me that he had some thoughts that he had been wanting to share with the ward, so I began the meeting.and announced the bishop as the only speaker.
As the bishop was just concluding his remarks, the high councillor entered at the back of the chapel and slid into a seat on the back row. As he did so suddenly several things clicked into place in my mind. A new church building was under construction, and the stake calendar had been printed with our meeting times as they would be in the new building, which were one hour later than we were actually meeting at. So I listened carefully to the (already announced) closing hymn, and realized that there is nothing to differentiate a closing hymn from an opening hymn. I listened even more carefully to the benediction, and discovered that in this particular case there was nothing in the prayer to indicate whether it was in opening or in closing. So as the "Amen" was pronounced and everyone stood to leave I was watching the high councillor's face very carefully. He was quite a study in shock, confusion, and chagrin.

Our scout troop had a summer camp planned, but the scout master couldn't get another adult to go. So his wife went and camped in the next campsite over with another sister from the ward. When his wife tripped over a tree root and banged up her face they agreed she needed medical care, but the scout master didn't feel comfortable leaving the scouts, so he sent the other sister with her. So this woman shows up in the emergency room with cuts and bruises on here face, accompanied by a woman friend, claiming she tripped and fell down... She had to answer a lot of questions before the ER staff was satisfied.

About 20 years ago my wife got into Tole Painting. If you don't know what that is I can't describe it. Anyway, it was taught at Relief Society, and the sister teaching the class said that vodka was the best medium for cleaning up mistakes. She handed out pill bottles with vodka as part of the materials for the class. As my wife got into the art, her supply of vodka ran out, so she asked me to buy more. I headed for the local grocery store, but couldn't make myself do it. So finally I asked a friend at work to help me out. He laughed uproriously, but agreed to buy some for me. He reported back that he had messed up his clothing and hair, trying to make himself look as disreputable as possible. Then he marched into a liquor store and announced "Give a bottle of your cheapest vodka!" When the clerk looked at him askance he added "Don't worry, it's for a Mormon elder friend of mine."

I was counting the fast offering money one Fast Sunday as the deacons brought them in. I opened the envelope from the financial clerk's home and saw a sealed tithing envelope inside, which almost always meant that someone had sent their tithing in with the deacon, which is a definite no-no. As I pulled the envelope out I was just about to josh the financial clerk about it when I saw his wife had written on the envelope "I know, I know".

When I was a freshman in high school (then) Elder Hinckley came to reorganize the stake presidency. My dad was called as the second counsellor, so we got to have dinner with Elder Hinckley after the conference. He kept us well entertained, but the best story had to do with the new stake president, William Hinckley. Elder Hinckley said "I kept asking the Lord who should be the new stake president, and he kepts saying 'Hinckley', and I told the Lord 'But that's me!""

You may be a Mormon if ...

...you know what a 2 1/2 minute talk is.
...when you say "quad" you aren't even thinking about exercise.
...when you say "stake house" you don't think of meat.
...you consider six months a lengthy engagement.
...you think three children is a small family.
...you have never watched the Super Bowl because it is on Sunday.
...you have watched the Super Bowl but feel guilty about it.
...you say "elder" but mean someone younger.
...you can call a Jew a gentile.
...you can speak fluently a second language most people have never heard of.
...you've never been to Utah but cheer for a college football team from there.
...you wear a "CTR" ring.
...you know all the hand motions to "Popcorn Popping on the Apricot Tree"
...you spend more time on your church assignments than on your profession or hobbies - combined.
...your youngest child is younger than your oldest grand-child.
...you learned to tie a tie before you learned to drive a car.
...you have a "Happiness is Family Home Evening" bumper sticker on your car.
...the phrase "high council speaker" makes you sleepy.
...you know what "Deseret" means.
...you are getting extremely anxious because your 27-year-old son still isn't married.
...you have roofed three houses - none of them yours - even though you are an office worker.
...you know what the "Golden Questions" are.
...you know what funeral potatoes are.
...you think that three hours of church on Sunday is normal.
...you've taken a six-month-old on a father's and son's outing.
...you know three hundred people in your city better than you know your next-door neighbors.
...you go to church while visiting a distant city and know right where the bathrooms are.
...you have more than a dozen copies of The Book of Mormon around the house.
...you have 200 pounds of whole kernel wheat in your basement.
...you know the names of Joseph's (son of Israel's) two sons.
...you can think of twelve continuations of the phrase "We believe..."
...you gave your first talk in church when you were three years old.
...an entire generation of your anscestry was born in England and died in Salt Lake City.
...you sing in the church choir even though you would admit you have little musical talent.
...you think Cheerios are linked to religion.
...you think of Utah when someone says "Zion" (even though you know it's in Missouri).
...when you hear a knock on your door on the morning of the first Sunday of the month you grab your checkbook before answering the door.
...you expect a temple to be closed on Sunday.
...you have a two-year gap in your employment history.

Preacher Jokes

These are jokes that my Dad told from time to time. I don't know why, but they were all preacher jokes. Although some of them could be re-cast as LDS jokes I thought I would just leave them in the original form.

The preacher pounds the pulpit and says "Wo be unto the liars, for they shall go to Hell!"
The little old lady on the front row nods her head and murmurs "You tell 'em, preacher."
The preacher pounds the pulpit a little harder and says with more energy "Wo be unto the adulterers, for they shall go to Hell!"
The little old lady on the front row nods her head and murmurs "You tell 'em, preacher."
The preacher is truly hitting his stride as he slams the pulpit and exclaims "Wo be unto the robbers, for they shall go to Hell!"
The little old lady on the front row nods her head and murmurs "You tell 'em, preacher."
In full ecstacy, the preacher waves his arms and exults "Wo be unto the gossips, for they shall go to Hell!" The little old lady on the front row sits up straight, clutches her purse, and with a sharp intake of breath says "Now he's laid off preachin' and gone to meddlin'!"

At the conclusion of the Sunday sermon the preacher goes and stands by the door to take leave of the people as they go out. As one older fellow goes out the preacher asks, "And how did you like the sermon?"
"Well, preacher, it reminded me of the justice and mercy of God."
The preacher is rather pleased with this response, and inquires "Really? How so?"
"Well, preacher, it reminded me of the justice of God because I thought it would last forever, and it reminded me of the mercy of God because it defied all comprehension."

The preacher is feeling rather pleased with the progress of his sermon when he notices a fellow on the second row right in front of the pulpit who is sound asleep. The preacher pauses a moment in his delivery, then says in the gentlest of tones, "All those who wish to go to Heaven, stand up." The whole congregation - minus the sleeper, of course - comes reverently to their feet. "Thank you," says the preacher, "you may be seated." Then he continues, "All those who wish to go to Hell, STAND UP!". The sleeper leaps to his feet, takes a quick look around, and says "Well, preacher, I don't know what we're volunteering for, but it looks like it's just you and me!"

The preacher shows up at church one fine Sunday morning and is somewhat dismayed to discover the church is empty, except for one old farmer sitting in the middle pew. With some hesitation, the preacher asks, "Should I give my sermon?"
The farmer responds "Well, preacher, if I went out to feed my cows, and only one cow showed up, I'd feed her."
The preacher reflects within himself on what a profound truth that is, and proceeds to pound the pulpit and preach hellfire and damnation for about an hour and a half. At the end of the sermon he goes to the door to shake hands with the old farmer.
"So what did you think of the sermon?"
"Well, preacher, if I went out to feed my cows, and only one cow showed up, I'd feed her, but I wouldn't dump the whole load on her!"

The old church building had served long and well, but it truly was approaching that point of decrepitude that it was barely even safe to meet in. The preacher was somewhat at a loss for what to do, however, as the congregation was not very well-to-do, and funds were severely limited. So it was with some surprise and a great deal of pleasure that he received the news that a builder in the congregation had volunteered to donate all the labor and materials to build a new church. "I only have one condition," announced the builder. "I will build the church accordong to my own plan and you will not get to see it at all until it is complete."
The preacher found this condition a little worrisome, but under the circumstances reflected that he had little alternative.
After the course of two months or so the builder announced to the preacher that the new building was completed and the preacher could see it when he was ready to preach on Sunday morning.
Sunday came, and the preacher approached the building with some trepidation; however, he was quite pleased when he saw the beauty of the building. As he stepped inside, though, he was shocked to discover that there was only one pew in the sanctuary - clear at the back. As he started to protest, the builder waved a hand and said "Just wait, I think you will like it."
As the congregants came in they were rather pleased to doscover that no dissimulation was needed - the only place they could sit was clear in the back. Just as the pew was filled there was a sudden whir of machinery, and the pew moved to the front of the chapel, while a new empty pew appeared in its place in the back of the room. The preacher was a little surprised, but the builder just chuckled and said "I thought you would like it." This scene was repeated until everyone had arrived, and were all sitting as close to the front as their numbers allowed.
The preacher was very pleased as he ascended to the podium to begin his sermon. With the propituous placing of the parishoners he felt particularly inspired, and so at the one hour mark he was hitting his full stride when suddenly there was another whir of machinery and he found himself standing by the door, prepared to say goodbye to the members.

Something of a hush falls over the congregation as the preacher arises to begin his sermon. For the space of several seconds he stands motionless and silent, then leans forward and in a stage whisper says into the microphone, "It's coming!"
Another few seconds of taut silence ensue, then the preacher leans back a little, then quickly leans forward to the mike and says somewhat louder "It's coming!"
The third time the preacher moves back two steps, and lunging at the pulpit he roars with a voice of thunder "IT'S COMING!"
Unfortunately, the pulpit is unequal to the task and gives way before the preacher, sending him crashing into the lap of a man sitting on the front row.
The preacher is mortified and somewhat disoriented as he tries to free himself from the wreckage, apologizing profusely to the unfortunate on whom he landed. The latter simply responds, "No, no; no apology is needed - after all, you warned me three times."

A man buys a horse from a preacher, who sells the horse with this advice: "I have trained this horse as befits a man of the cloth, so he only knows and responds to a rather unusual set of commands. To go, you need to say 'Praise the Lord,' and to stop you say 'Amen.'" The horse looks like a fine animal, so the purchaser is not too worried about this. He climbs on the horse, and with a shake of the reins says "Giddyup!" The horse doesn't budge. "Remember what I told you..." the preacher begins. The man, a little sheepishly says, "That's right: Praise the Lord." He didn't say it with much enthusiasm, but the horse starts to walk forward. With a little more confidence the man repeats "Praise the Lord!" The horse begins to trot. Now thoroughly enjoying himself, the man repeats "Praise the Lord!" and the horse breaks into a full run. Suddenly the man realizes he has never ridden a horse of this caliber before, and exults in a loud voice "Praise the Lord!" The horse gives a greater burst of speed, and seems almost to be flying across the ground. The rush of the wind is exhilerating, but the man suddenly realizes that at this speed the 100-foot cliff ahead of him is approaching rather immediately, so he pulls on the reins and says "Whoa!" The horse continues, its speed unabated. In greater urgency the man exclaims louder "Whoa, horse!" There is no break in the horse's speed. The cliff seems almost under the horse's feet when the man finally remembers the correct term, and exclaims in desperation "AMEN!!" The horse skids abruptly to a halt, with its front feet barely inches from the precipice. In wonder and relief the man shakes his head, pulls a handkerchief from his pocket, and while mopping his brow intones in gratitude, "Praise the Lord!"

And finally...

This joke may not be too religious, but still...

A man is walking home very late at night, and decides to take a short cut through the cemetery. It is very dark, so he fails to see the newly-dug grave until he has already tumbled into it. He tries to climb out, but the dirt crumbles too easily, and he is making no progress. Not being much of a superstitious sort, this really doesn't bother him, and he settles down in a corner of the grave to wait until morning when he hopes someone will be along to help him out.
He is just starting to nod off when a rather inebriated man, singing dischordantly to himself, comes along and falls into the same grave. Given the newcomer's general state and the darkness, he doesn't notice our hero sitting in the corner, and begins to try to climb out. His efforts are even less effectual than the first guy's, who can barely suppress a chuckle. Finally he says in rather measured tones, "You'll never get out of here."
But he did.